Truths be Told

one step closer to processing friendships and familyships that fell by the wayside during Covid

as the holiday season rolls around again, I find myself remembering close family members and one very dear friend that I lost two years ago.

there’s a deep & specific grief when you mourn the passing of someone you love… who is actually not dead at all, but detached only from you, not able to treat you like a decent, living, loving person.

two years ago, a group of family members and one friend all packed their proverbial bags and moved out. I’ve heard that this happened to a lot during Covid – that a small percieved misstep caused someone to burn down a whole, rooted, longstanding relationship. wonder if those folks carefully packed up their baggage too, before throwing the match?

we know that when someone has an outsized negative reaction, they likely haven’t processed a personal hardship or accepted part of their own identity. and because they have attempted to snuff out that part of their own self or experience, they must also control or deny the existence of that same quality out in the world. they begin to personify anything related – me, maybe you? – as pure virtue or vice. (psychologists call this “splitting” – can you think of any examples? on a smaller scale, I’ve recognized this stress-induced tendency in myself.) this is a defense mechanism, because it’s too painful to consciously dissociate. if this goes unaddressed, folks will push this split into a dark recess of their psyche, live in increasingly stark shades of black and white, become reactive (triggered) and lament being harmed by the world and their relationships over and over again.

anyway, if anyone out there has been abandoned due to what seems like very small, irrational potatoes, or is feeling treated less than human by someone you once loved, know that you come from good stock, and yes, carry the shaping of your life. your blueprint is true; you are whole in your deepest intentions, your heart, even your swings-and-misses. know that there are so many people in this world whose eyes will meet yours earnestly, people who will treat you with dignity.

if applicable, I hope you’ve taken responsibility for your behavior and any harm caused, whether intentional or not. and then KNOW: you are not responsible for the version of you someone has created in their mind – that is a caricature of their own unaddressed trauma. and you aren’t responsible for anyone else’s healing.

I wrote this piece below last year, when I thought my beloved in-law family and a very dear Nola friend had turned too easily away from my heart, which I thought they knew and held closely. I’m now more and more sure that it was their own pain that they weren’t ready to face with compassion, and I was an inconvenient reminder of that brokenness.

it takes work to hold complexity. especially your own.

and everyone shares in the cost when you continue to turn away from that work. some more acutely than others.

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if this feels familiar, reader, I hope it doesn’t take you years of suffering to also realize and share:

“oops, dear one, I wonder if that is your trauma talking?”

ha! that’s very unlikely to be helpful… but at least You’ll Know. ❤

sending love –

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Design over Details

“personally, I’m just a bunch of flaws stitched together with good intentions” -anonymous.

and don’t relationships let us know through earnest hopes and clumsy efforts

that our love is living and breathing, and trying to run alongside us in life?

listen: I will choose this every time – bring me your real, beauty! lean into me

because: what’s the alternative? perfect? static? obedient? performative?

here’s to the handful of beautiful, life-saving friends and family who choose to see our hearts and intentions Ever So Clearly

here’s to grace

here’s to loving your beloveds, despite how the details of things align with or evade our plans.

times have been tough, and so:

here’s to not turning away

here’s to not turning away from the north star of Your People’s hearts